One day you're gonna turn around
@and you're gonna miss me.
Jesus Christ! Easy.
We used to be best friends. He fucked my ex-girlfriend.
You need to move out.
SAM:Going on holidays with your ex
is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
When did it fucking start?
I thought you were on my side,
and you were on their side the whole fucking time!
I didn't ask to know. I didn't want to know.
You were laughing at me the whole time.
Oh, Jesus.
We have a meeting. If you would like this to still be a thing,
then you need to be there.
Fuck!
Oh, no! Are you serious?
I'm sorry.
- I think I'm gonna move out. - Bye, Stevie.
You're late?
OLIVIA:Sri Lanka. Yeah.
AJ:I lost my girlfriend.
AJ:I lost my best friend.
- I lost my hair. - Yeah, right, AJ...
..this is not MasterChef, you don't burst into tears
and move on to the next episode.
♪ HUNNY BUNNY & BRADLEY STONE: "Fantasia"
(DOOR OPENS)
SAM: Baby Violet, no, no, no. We don't go near AJ, do we?
I'm sorry, babe.
No, he doesn't brush his teeth!
No, baby. Shh, shh.
It's OK, darling, Daddy's here.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh, Jesus!
I must've slept through your show.
Well, you slept through it when you were on it,
so why would you stop now?
Violet has outgrown her side crib, OK?
She needs space. Richard and I need space.
- (SIGHS) - AJ, you need to move out!
No. What are you doing? I've got a big interview this morning,
please just give me a couple more days.
No!
- Oi! - A couple more days?
I gave you a couple more days five months ago.
OK, fine, I'll move out.
But I'll get you back one day, Sam.
I'll get my revenge.
I'm gonna introduce Violet to rockabilly.
- (VIOLET CRIES) - Oh, no, you will not!
- Oh, shh, shh, shh. - Yeah, big dresses.
- Mm-hm, that's it. - Bye, AJ.
I'm sorry.
It's the worst kind of music!
It's done by people
who are scared about who they are inside.
I know, it's awful. (DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, AJ! Good to see you.
I have about six minutes.
Ah, you dressed up for me! I like it.
Oh uh... Yeah, I've got s-somewhere to go after this.
So, Celebrity Fight Club.
Sorry about the late notice, but we lost someone to...
(whispers) ..ice addiction.
- Someone died? - No. Well, his career is dead.
Full-blown psychosis.
He, like, abused the staff,
trashed his trailer.
And he stole my label maker.
Anyway, now, you get a shot.
Assuming you're available
and willing to bruise that pretty face of yours?
To be honest, I will do anything if there's catering.
Mm-hm? Mmm...
Oh...
Ugh! That's vinegar.
Y-you have... You have something on your...
Yeah.
See, this is why I need my label maker.
So um... tell me, what happened to the radio?
Oh um...
..I kinda had a breakdown.
Oh, right. Like a, what, "can't get out of bed" breakdown,
or, like, a "blackout every night" breakdown?
Mm... both.
Yeah, I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me
with my best friend.
Mm. Yeah, been there.
Yeah, it was over the course of about five years
the cheating was happening.
We were together for ten.
At one stage, all three of us were living in the same house.
That's when I found out. She's pregnant now.
- Oh! - It's probably his.
But it could be mine,
'cause we went to Sri Lanka and there was a dip.
Do dips count?
Dips count.
After your first fight in episode one,
tell them that you were imagining your opponent
as your best friend
and you will make it to...
..like, I don't know, ep four on that alone, guaranteed.
- Thanks. - I am going to go and meditate
for 12 minutes,
and then I'm gonna go in and bat for you,
so make sure you're available.
Help yourself.
♪ LIVERPOOL EXPRESS: "Hold Tight"
MALCOLM: He said I could have them, therefore they're mine.
FERGAL: Bullshit. Bullshit!
Oh, you're a fucking snake, Malcolm.
You're a slippery fucking serpent.
MALCOLM: I held his hand right to the fucking end!
FERGAL: Held his hand to forge his will!
Would you two morons stop it?!
I've got hot party pies here!
Or what?
You will fucking do what?
Yeah, you reckon? You fucking reckon?
AJ: Hey.
What are you doing here?
I um...
(CLEARS THROAT) ..saw your Facebook post.
So you just rock up for the party?
- I wanted to pay my respects. - What, to the free booze?
I um... I'm sorry that I missed the funeral.
- I had a... job interview. - Right.
You know you've got a cocoon on your shoulder?
What?
Yeah.
No!
No! I had my Celebrity Fight Club interview in this jacket!
Mate, cocoons, not a good look!
FERGAL: I'm not fucking touching you,
you miserable, maggot-ridden slug of a human.
- Take you in the garden. - You reckon?
Yeah.
Let's go outside.
Dad left Uncle Malcolm his cabin in Merimbula
and his 20,000 Qantas points,
so, Fergal, he's a bit... he's dirty about it.
Yeah, I bet! That's a flight to Canberra.
Mm.
How are you feeling about your dad?
Um...
He was a dickhead
and he didn't wanna know me, so...
..not much to feel there. Um...
I just wish he'd left me something, though.
Like, everyone got something.
Do you reckon they'd mind if I took this mushroom?
You know they're not magic mushrooms, right?
You look good. Have you lost weight?
Hey, yeah!
Five months of unemployment, down to two meals a day,
both chips.
Five months, I mean...
..you could've replied to my messages
or called me or something.
Fucking idiots. Party pie?
Hey, Aunty Bev um...
..do you reckon I could have this?
Oh, I'm sorry, love, it wasn't in the will.
But there was something your dad really wanted you to have.
Yeah? Other than abandonment issues?
(CHUCKLES)
What is it?
- This? - Yeah.
Get fucked.
Wow!
Congratulations, you are officially a home owner.
(EXHALES)
Oh, The Big Bilby!
Dad kept promising he'd take me here in this,
but we just never made it past the TAB.
Cheers, Teddy!
Oh, Christ!
- Better than inheriting debt. - Is it?
Is it, though?
I've got nowhere to put this.
Do you realise that?
It's a fucking piece of shit!
I'm still crashing with Dezzy.
Speaking of...
(LIGHTER CLICKS) (CHUCKLES)
Living with a dealer?
Man, you must be like Augustus Gloop at the Wonka factory.
(LAUGHS)
(IN GERMAN ACCENT): I'm so full of chocolate!
(COUGHS)
Whoa!
(COUGH) Are you not spinning anymore? Fuck!
- Rookie. - Give me another go of that.
(PHONE RINGS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mm!
(RINGING CONTINUES)
- This is my producer. - Sure.
The Champ's phone.
MIRANDA: Oh, ha! That's cute.
Hey, so, all's looking good for Celebrity Fight Club.
We just need you to do a medical tomorrow
and then we can make it official.
Oh...
Is this, like, a bulk billing thing, or...?
Uh... Yeah, I'll e-mail you the details.
Then we'll get together and have a drink afterwards to celebrate.
♪ Thank you, Miranda, you're the best ever ♪
Bye!
Oh, thank God!
I've just gotta do a medical and then the job's mine.
Man...
Oh, I can already smell the payslips from here.
What do they smell like, bro?
Do they smell like failure?
Because you're screwed!
What?
When an employer asks for a "medical",
they're asking for a "drug test".
They wanna test your urine, so "urine" deep shit!
No, Stevie, it's television.
Sure. I'm just telling you my truth.
Fuck!
They did sack the last guy
for hitting the glass barbecue too hard.
Oh, fuck!
Stevie, I can't pass a drug test, I take drugs!
- Lots of them. - Yeah, we've met.
I think I could just turn this into a taco truck
and go to Big Day Out or something.
(BANGING)
Oh, for fuck's sake, Malcolm, you'll pop that hernia again!
STEVIE: Should we step in, Bevvy?
BEV: No, no.
Listen, love, I'd be driving this caravan out of here
quick smartish if I was you.
People are gonna start taking anything that's not nailed down.
Well, what am I supposed to do? I don't have a car, Aunty Bev.
I think Dad just wanted me to get my licence.
Well, you got someone you could call?
(BANGING AND CLATTERING)
Seventeen years stone cold sober
and this family has me wishing I was...
(whispers) ..back on the methadone!
(PUNCHES THUD)
(BEV SIGHS)
Hey um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
..this is gonna sound a little bit weird, but um...
..could I have some or your urine?
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
What's your name, darl?
AJ.
I've got a liner right here, AJ,
that I reckon you could wring a middy's worth out of.
Just help me get Malcolm inside, he's done his back.
MALCOLM: I've done my back!
Well, you're gonna need more than piss, mate.
Have you not seen Entourage?
So, there is a guy in the room with you tomorrow,
watches it go from hole to goal.
You need a fake dick.
MAN: You're gonna want the Bloke Hose.
It's basically the best wet sex simulator on the market.
It's got four organic heating pads down the shaft
for realistic body temperatures.
- Ooh. - Wow! Yeah.
Save the planet, buy organic. I love this!
- Yeah, we'll get one of those. - Alright, let's make it happen.
Fuck yeah, that was easy.
Oh, footy season! I forgot, they're all sold out.
BOTH: Ah!
- Of course. - They love it.
Anyway, if you guys aren't too fussed about body temperatures,
you can just rig up your own.
It's really just a dildo, some tubing...
..piss pouch, and you're sorted.
- Yeah. - Let's do it.
"Crafternoon"!
Alright, well, basically, you're gonna want a strap-on,
so if you head down there,
it goes from ascending order in terms of girth.
We've got 10% off 10" or more.
And you've got double-dong specials down the left.
Obviously, it's Saturday, so you know that.
Ooh, what's this?
That's a rainbow tail butt plug.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Of course it is. - Uh-huh.
Any questions, shout out.
AJ: Alright, let's just get this and go.
No, put that back!
Dream on!
It's the only dark one here!
(MOCKING): "Only dark one!"
It's a fucking leg, put it back!
- It matches! - No, we'll get that little guy
and we'll just paint it brown. It's gonna work.
AJ: Oh. I...
I'm pretty sure I was touching that first.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, of course. There you go.
- It's all yours. - Actually, we need that,
because we need it to match his extremely average thing.
You can do so much better. Like, that pink one,
I got that in Year 12, it's still perfect,
still goes great in the bath, too.
Any number of these ones.
You can charge them on a bus, on a plane,
you can wear them as a necklace, it looks like a lip gloss.
They're fucking excellent!
Here we go.
- Thank you. - Ah.
Did you find what you were looking for?
STEVIE: Um... I'm always looking for more.
Aren't we all?
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Hey um...
..how do you store piss?
It's just so jiggly in your hand.
I'm not gonna lie, it feels like a good time.
(STEVIE LAUGHS)
AJ: Is this what dicks are like? 'Cause I don't see that many.
AJ: It really flops.
(STEVIE LAUGHS)
Good to have the gang back together.
Youse two sorted your shit out, or what?
Yeah.
Yeah, we're good.
DEZZY: Sick.
Alright, pass me the spray paint.
Oh! Fuck yeah!
Alright, fellas, I'm off to bed.
Check youse.
What?! It's, like, six o'clock, Dezzy.
Fuck, is it that late already?
I've gotta be up for work in three hours.
Yeah, I've gotta go drop off some scripties to Martin Place,
then I promised my little sister and her mates
I'd take them to a movie marathon in Miranda.
Cool.
- Night, babe! DEZZY: Night!
- Oh, it smells really good! - That's real brown.
I wish my dick was that brown!
It's, like, osso buco brown!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Is this gonna work, Stevie?
Look... there's only one way to find out.
- OK, you ready? - Yeah.
STEVIE: Now.
AJ: Hit me with that fruity lexia.
AJ: Yeah, OK.
AJ: Pretty sure there are other ways to test this out.
STEVIE: Shh! Just catch it all.
AJ: Hey. Hey, hey, hey, that's enough.
I've been holding that.
- Yeah, OK. - Ah!
- No, no, no, Stevie... - Take me in your mouth.
- I don't wanna waste it!
Oh, yeah!
Ooh-ah! That's good.
Please, turn it off.
(LAUGHS) OK.
I think you're a bit too good at that.
That's enough. OK.
Cheers, buddy.
- Cheers. - Cheers, cocksucker.
That's actually really good.
(BURPS)
I feel like the stream needs to be a little bit stronger.
OK.
I've missed you, AJ.
Yeah, I've missed you, too, mate.
Can I ask you something?
(BLOWS)
Have you been using fake Instagram accounts
to leave the brown baby emoji on Liv's posts?
What?
Well, "someone" has been leaving the little brown baby emoji
on everything that Liv posts about her pregnancy.
You know what, you don't get to ask me about Liv.
Not anymore.
Look, I'm sorry.
You know I'm sorry.
Sorry I didn't tell you about Liv and Henry,
but, like, I can say I'm sorry as many times as you need me to,
but you've gotta kind of, like, move on now, AJ,
because this kind of shit's not good for you.
Yeah.
Thanks for helping me with my dick, Stevie, alright?
- But we're done here. - Alright.
And, for what it's worth,
there's no sun-tanning in the womb,
so she could still have a brown baby.
- Can you go easy? - Yeah, I-I'm going easy, OK?
- Just relax! Pull it out. - Yeah, it's stuck.
Oh, fuck! Don't trash my pad, man!
Show some fucking respect for the C-van, dude,
which my fucking dead dad left me.
You said you don't care about this piece of shit!
Look at this, Stevie! What the fuck is this?!
- I don't know. - Huh?
Do you think that this looks like a normal dick?
- No. - You don't think my doctor
might have a few questions when I pull this out
and start pissing out of it?! Huh?!
This is fucked, Stevie!
I'm fucked! This whole thing is fucked!
Yeah, you are fucked.
Stevie.
Stevie!
What?
You're fucked? You're fucked, AJ?
How do you think I've been these last five months?
You haven't even asked!
Just fuck off home!
(DOOR CLOSES)
♪ MATT KIVEL: "LA Coliseum"
(SIGHS)
Oh, mate.
It was either here or Dad's,
and I can't handle the look he's gonna give me
if I tell him I'm moving home.
- I hope I didn't freak you out. - No, I knew you were here.
'Cause the toilet's not connected to anything yet,
so there's an issue out here.
I don't wanna fight with you anymore, AJ.
I don't wanna drink goon from your fake dick anymore, Stevie.
Or fight.
You doing a "building and pest"?
Yeah.
I figure if I'm gonna take this old girl on the road,
I've gotta make sure she's in...
..you know, she's in shape.
I'm gonna get my licence
and drive to The Big Bilby in Bundoona.
Kinda like a tribute to my dad and a "fuck you" all in one.
Nice.
(GROANS)
Well... I'll get out of your hair.
What are you gonna do about your medical?
Ironically, I'm gonna call in sick.
I really needed that job, too.
I know that I need to move on.
I get it.
And that job was, like, the only hopeful thing
in my life right now.
Then fuck it, bro, do the test!
Go down in a blaze of glory.
Maybe Daily Mail will find out and write some shit about you,
then you're back on top.
I'm actually going out to Roads and Transport,
so we can go out together.
Right after you clean up that mess outside.
- It's pretty rank. - I think...
I think I had too many party pies.
Yeah. It's like a geriatric Labrador with butt cancer
did its last shit and then wandered off and died.
AJ Amon?
AJ.
Hey.
- Uh... Just a sec. HENRY: We should leave.
No, it's OK, sweetie. Why don't you go pay?
You look well.
Yeah, well um...
..I'm doing Celebrity Fight Club, so...
Really?
Oh, reality TV?
You used to give me so much shit about watching Big Brother.
Well, you know, a lot's changed since then.
Yeah.
Um...
I wasn't sure if you got my messages
about me deciding to stay.
Yeah. No.
I got them.
OK.
Well, it's good to see you look so well, AJ.
Take care of yourself.
You know, I genuinely do want the best for you.
Hey um...
..have you told Henry that it still could technically be mine?
OK, here's the thing, AJ, or Octoroon85,
or whatever the fuck it is your name is this week,
this isn't about you anymore,
it isn't about me.
I have someone else's future at stake now.
Everyone else has moved on, except for you.
Let it the fuck go, OK?
AJ Amon.
Yeah.
♪ ILLUMINATI HOTTIES: "I Wanna Keep Yr Dog"
(STEVIE CLEARS THROAT)
One licence, please.
It doesn't quite work like that, hon.
Have you booked your test?
Do you even have your learner's permit?
Talk about nanny state!
No.
Can we at least do the photo today?
I've literally never looked this good.
I'll grab a number.
Unhelpful.
STEVIE: Mm.
Damn!
♪ They were just testing for diabetes
♪ And the drug questionnaire was confidential ♪
- What? - Fuck yeah!
- You serious? - Yeah.
I mean, I've got a really high blood pressure,
I should probably be taking medication, but... meh.
- Pint, celebrate? - Fuck it, doing a late shift.
I can't.
- I've gotta go wipe bums. - Oh.
- I wish I could, though. - I was also thinking
that the caravan needs a little bit of a touch-up,
and if you need an on-site labourer,
then maybe I could be your boy.
Don't. I look really pretty.
Stop it.
You are my boy.
- You want some keys? - Yes.
- You're gonna live in my C-van? - Come on!
Fuck yeah!
Love you!
- Yeah. - Don't be weird.
Have fun.
- You want a beer? - Oh...
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
Do you know what, I'm about to have a meeting,
and then I will buy, like, every beer that you have.
'Cause I'm about to be rich, yo.
Sorry! Busy, traffic, everything.
Look at you in your suit again.
- Cute! - Ah, forget about that.
Which dealership are we hitting tomorrow?
Beemer, Benz or Bentley?
Oh.
You didn't get it.
- But I passed the medical. - Another brown guy...
I mean, sorry, "diverse option" turned up at the last minute.
It happens.
Hey, you are too good for reality TV, AJ, don't you think?
(SCOFFS) Yeah, definitely.
Anyway, I didn't come here to this red den uterus room
to deliver you bad news.
I wanted to ask you
about that stuff you were talking about yesterday,
about your girlfriend and your flatmate, your best friend,
the pregnancy, your breakdown.
Did that all really happen?
Unfortunately, yeah.
Yeah, it did.
Great.
I mean, it's not great, but...
..it is really great,
because I just pitched it to the Head of Comedy
for one of the new digital channels,
and she thought it was hilarious.
We think there's a show in it.
What? Is this a joke?
It is gonna take a lot out of you, though.
Like, you're gonna have to really dig deep
into the emotional pain
and get close to those skeletons in the closet,
so you can, like, smell their last meal.
I wanna make this show.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I'm... keen.
Excellent.
- This is gonna be fun! - Yes!